I’m writing this down because I don’t ever want to forget it.
I’m writing this down because I’ve waited years for a moment like it, and it happened. And it happened so completely out of the blue.
I’m writing this down because lately writing feels absolutely terrifying, and I’d like to get back to a place where writing isn’t so terrifying.
I’m writing this at the risk of sounding crazy, there are a LOT of people that need to read something like this, just as I once did.
They need to read about the moments where heaven touches earth, because losing someone makes you feel a strange sense of homesickness that can’t be put into words. It’s being homesick for a place you’ve never been, but long to be. It’s envying the dying, because they’ll get to see your loved ones before you. Grief makes you feel so completely nuts. Grief is love with no where to go.
This is a conversation we had early Sunday morning. I was still in bed, because my wonderful husband, as usual, lets me sleep in and takes the kids upstairs to watch cartoons. He also feeds them breakfast or cuts them up some fruit. He’s amazing y’all.
After what was no doubt hours of being awake, my daughter crawls into my bed as my sleepy self is barely adjusting to the sun beaming in, in spite of the tightly shut blinds.
She scoots up close, and hugs me tightly with her still-chubby little arms. She is super snuggly, I love it.
She starts with “Mom, we love each other.” I smiled, said “yes, we do” and kissed her little head.
“Mom, I play with Jenna.”
If I wasn’t awake, I was definitely awake now.
“I play with Jenna.”
Trying not to overwhelm my sweet four year old child with a hundred questions, I asked her as nonchalantly as I could,”What do you play, when you play with her?”
“She likes to play dishes. We play dishes in my kitchen.”
:: me trying to reel my heart back into my chest ::
“She laughs at me, she thinks I’m funny,” she smiled like she loved that her sister thought she was funny. This is such an accurate portrayal of Evelyn; she is a really funny, charismatic, laughable, lovable kid. She doesn’t meet a stranger and loves to have a good time.
This conversation felt like it took twenty minutes, but it was over before it was able to sink in.
As I was trying to digest all of this, she rolled off the bed, onto her next four-year-old adventure.
Later that day, I asked her about it again, right as I was tucking her in and she said, “yes mom, we play dishes. Mom- she knows about me.” She emphasized that last sentence with a sense of pride and wonder.
Before this conversation, she has been saying her name so much. Things like “Mom, Jenna is my SISTER!” or “Mom, I have a sister and Joseph has TWO sisters!!”
I’ve read things like this happening.
I’d hoped it would happen.
I know I’m absolutely nuts, admitting this to the internet.
I don’t care.
I’ve spent nearly eight years adjusting to this wrecking ball of grief, and have spent the better portion of those years mostly wonderstruck.
I’ve wondered so much about her. I’ve dreamt only a handful of times. And while I wished I’d dream more about her, this was a hundred times better.
Because, at least according to my four year old, my girls have spent time together.
In Bible study we were discussing the love of God, and things we viewed as God’s love. That question is of course, so endless and multi-faceted, but one verse that came to mind was that one that talks about him giving us our hearts’ desires.
“Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.” – Psalms 37:4
I was sharing with the girls that I had the honor of making a card line with CarlyMarie a few years ago. What a lot of people don’t know is that once upon a time I wanted to work for Hallmark, and create greeting cards for a living, that is until I found out their headquarters (at the time) were in Kansas, and at the time I didn’t know a soul in Kansas! It didn’t occur to me until much later, but in retrospect, I knew that the opportunity to create a card line was God’s way of giving me something I’d always wanted – to create cards. And in the most purposeful way. I could never dream how it would actually come true, or that it even would, but it did.
It’s receiving something you forgot you longed so much for.
I wonder if that’s what it’s going to be like, in Heaven. Getting to finally squeeze her, in wellness, in good health, in perfection. I wonder if it will be SUCH a wonderful experience, that all the sorrow, all the tears, all the wishing, waiting, longing will be a distant memory?
Is this why the Bible says he keeps all our tears in a bottle? Because we won’t remember how painful this earth could be at times?
I can only continue to hope, and wonder.