San Antonio | Marriage Talk

marriage talk

I’m convinced that love isn’t something that just happens. I mean, at first – yes. But over time you have to decide it’s what you want. And work hard for it. Chase it. And then work at it again until you’re completely exhausted. That whole 50/50 thing? Lies. It’s more like 100/100. It’s so easy with the kids. Even though they are constantly covering me in all kinds of unimaginable nonsense and pull my hair and turn my good clothes into play clothes… love for them comes easy. Marriage has it’s own wonderful spin on love. A tale all of it’s own. This kind of love is wrapped up in secret love, amplified fears, memories that often don’t serve a marriage well when it comes to forgiveness and runs at the hint of any major change.

For years now Pete has covered me in a lot of well-meaning concern over who I’ve become. I’ve cried many, many silent tears wondering if he could still love this new person. I’ve become so tired of hiding, well not really hiding – but not really talking about how I really feel about a lot of things.

I sort of just let all the care go. And I let him see who I had become. The person who loves adventure, loves life again, but isn’t quite the same person he fell in love with over ten years ago.

“Love has never been the problem, Fran.”

Just, tears.

This surprise trip couldn’t have come at a better time. I almost jumped in his arms. He’s not big on surprising me, and I’ve come to accept that. He’s more of a flowers and card kind of Valentine’s Day gift-giver. My birthday is only six days away from the big Hallmark holiday, so I don’t really expect a whole lot. I just love that he acknowledges it at all.

But when he made this grand gesture it wasn’t just a valentine’s gift. It was the kind of fight for us that I needed to see in him. Because up until then, I wasn’t sure if there would always be an us. I can’t picture life without him, but after accepting who I have changed into after loss, the only fear lingering was the acceptance of the people I love.

The night he surprised me with this trip, I read this over at Ann Voskamp’s blog. Tears were flowing. How did she know?

Marriage changes us into strangers who have to meet again and introduce each other to love.

What she said. Yes, what she said. She summed it up perfectly.

Strangers who meet again. And fight for love all over again.


Also, in other news I am talking about pregnancy after loss on Still Breathing. Read here.

4 thoughts on “San Antonio | Marriage Talk

  1. again and as always, i can identify so very much….. except that, there wasn’t much of an “us” before and there is not any “us” now…. :( he didn’t like me in the first place so why should he now? sad, i know, but…. there is a Him that loves me so much more than i can possibly fathom….. 😀 with Him, there is ALWAYS an “us” and it is so precious!

    love your pictures! they are amazing! reading your guest posts now, you are so gifted with words.

  2. Sometimes it’s easier to not see the person who has seen you through so much pain. Because sometimes seeing them reminds you. And sometimes seeing them seeing you makes you feel more vulnerable than you wanted to feel.

    I’m so glad you got what you needed to feel loved. I’m so sorry you had to suffer this loss together. This loss changes you in ways you never dreamed. But it can make you better in ways you hadn’t imagined, too.

    It’s a gift, really, that so many people just like you (and me) have been brought to my attention lately. I’m not sure how I found you – I can’t recall. But now I know why I was meant to find you. Beautifully broken hearts recognize each other.

  3. This is so beautiful. I struggle with this, but find that I am like your husband in this situation. I don’t know who it is any more that I’m married too. We truly are strangers at times, and when pain and trauma enter people’s lives, it is so difficult to navigate into a newness in your relationship. Thank you so much for the reminder to fight on. Your testament helps me so much to know that I can do something MORE to make him feel special and loved again.

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