“The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”
– Marcel Proust
I’m not from a part of the world that is known for it’s beaches, or mountains or breathtaking forests. I’ve never been out of the country. We don’t travel a whole lot and the truth is when we do, we have to save for it all year round. I don’t have a career and don’t have any plans to pursue one any day soon.
I struggle a lot with being “enough” and I get down about it.
I find myself looking at the proverbial clock until I reach my thirties, which is one year from this coming February, wondering,”Have I done enough?”
I want to let this mindset go too.
Because the truth is the danger of a wandering heart, and adventurous spirit is restlessness. The inability to rest. And the infinite struggle to find gratification. Not thankfulness, but being still… and being okay. When shop sales are not going so great, or blog stats are low, or comments are made that hurt your heart. That last one is hard to overcome. Words. I think we’ve all had a big fat dose of that rubbed in our faces lately, no?
Words are powerful. She worded it perfectly.
“You can mean something — but if you say it mean it, no one can hear your meaning.
Have convictions — but if you don’t have compassion, you will have trials.
Please, say what you believe — but please, always be love.
Or you’re an annoying, clanging cymbal who a whole lot of people will be desperate to make silent.”
As this year comes to a close, and a lot of big decisions are weighing in the balance, I find myself thinking about what I’ve done with my twenties. In my twenties.
I think about parts of my body I’d like to wish away. It’d be so much easier if I didn’t crave so many sweets! But the truth is I have an insane sweet tooth and have ever since I became pregnant with Joseph. You just can’t help things sometimes. Life gives you things, hands you things, take things. It just is.
I have had so much on my heart. I could burst. Sometimes this world is such an ugly, hurtful place I want to grab my kids and run for the mountains, or the country and never look back. We’d leave the internet behind too in this fantasy. I’d grow my own garden and learn how to milk a cow. But that is just not reality. One day I’ll have to explain this all to my kids. How we live side by side with people who will never think like us, or believe like us, or live like us. How we stay different, but do it in love. How we keep and maintain convictions, with grace in our hearts and compassion in our souls. Without compromising, and stedfast, but all in love. How we give Jesus our lives and show his love with our actions, more than we ever will with our words.
How we find contentment. And true gratification in this life. I find that the only rest I have in my soul is letting go. Not hovering over my blog or any other numbers. Not checking emails, not even reading the best blogs I’ve grown to love. But letting it all go. I think He’s got this. It’s taken me awhile to trust him this much (which I feel isn’t enough, but it must be more than I can feel).
But more than anything my soul needs rest. I come here to sift through my thoughts that feel jumbled and only make sense on a long drive when – of course – it is impossible to write a word of it down.
I’m not a lot of things. And somehow I get tangled up in that messy line of thinking. Forgetting that it’s quite possible that my vision is skewed and things aren’t as clear today as they might be in a few days, weeks or months. And that its okay to feel restlessness, as long as you are chasing down the path of peace with every last fiber of your being. Those new eyes will come.
*On a completely unrelated but timely note, this is so spot on.