You know, I used to think that once you became a Christian… it’d be easy to believe in God.
And even easier to trust him.
Trusting has never been easy for me to do. I usually keep people at arm’s length and if I let someone in, it’s rare. I wish I wasn’t that way. I don’t like that about myself. I’d love to be one of those people that can trust, be broken and just trust again.
Needless to say my trust issues has skyrocketed since losing Jenna. I’ve never felt so much instability in my walk with God since losing her.
I found it hard to focus reading the Bible after losing her, and when I confessed that to someone she advised me to stay in the Psalms. I did, for almost a year. It was good advice at the time, but I didn’t attempt to grow. I fell off, I stopped reading. My prayers began to feel like they were hitting a brass ceiling.
So I stopped praying. Because it felt pointless. I threw my hands up for a while there and thought,”If it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen, so what’s the use?”
I was angry. I’ve been bitter. I’ve been tired. I have wanted to say some horrible things about some horrible and then again, some not-so-horrible people. I’ve exhausted myself with what-ifs and could-have-beens. I’ve thrown elaborate pity parties and each time I have fewer and fewer people that want to join in the parade. I’ve felt alone. I’ve cried myself to sleep. I’ve convinced myself one too many times that God must be done using me. I’ve grieved the Holy Spirit. I’ve forgotten what it felt like to drink of the living waters. I’ve missed being close to God, but it’s been so long that I forgot what that even felt like.
But God. He has a way of chasing you. He is a gentleman about it though. He waits patiently. He won’t force his ways, his will or even his love on you. But I realized (you’re about to find out just how slow a learner I am…) you have to actually want all of this.
And if you couldn’t tell from my list above, I didn’t. I didn’t want him. I was so done with him and his will. It all felt like one massive disappointment in my book. I was all in when I got saved, and then he decided to go and let my baby die.
But something changed in me recently. I’ve been going through some things in my personal life that have become too big, too much, too quickly. My reckless abandonment of most things spiritual has left me with more questions than I know what to do with. So, I decided to open that door (more desperate measures) and invite him into my life again. I don’t want to be alone in this. I needed him when Jenna died, but the truth is I need him now. I’ve convinced myself that I’ve always had him here, but I’ve been keeping him at arm’s length too.
Turning the knob, I felt anxious. What if he decided I’d been gone too long? Gone too far? Spent one too many days on my own, trying to figure it all out?
But his love, it is a chasing love. I am living proof. I have been a horrible example of a Christian. I am not saying that so that you can assure me that I’m not. I know that I am.
I don’t want Jenna’s life and death to be the peak of my walk with God. It’s not all down-hill from here, it doesn’t have to be anyway. I’m starting to believe that. I think that in some ways it can be sweeter.