I vividly remember running into blogs written by women who had lost a child three years ago (and our grief was fresh). The thought of being that far in time from holding your child seemed unfathomable. Tomorrow we will be starting the journey to four years.
How do you do this every year?
Every number feels impossible.
One day it will be twenty years ago we lost a little girl.
Will I still say her name? Talk about her? Have her things sprinkled in every corner of our house? I can’t imagine that I wouldn’t.
The things that I do on a daily basis are a direct result of those 13 days and that wretched goodbye.
This week I have been so frustrated that I could not gain that closeness, the closeness I felt to her right after she died. In fact I had a hard time figuring out what it was that made me feel close to her again. Somehow over the years that changes too.
I decided to take a trip to the attic. Scramble through her things. Touch those dresses she was meant to wear, hold those shoes again.
I was a hot mess coming down, but it helped a little. I have to admit I felt a little nuts. I am so afraid of embracing life so freely for the beautiful thing it has become, that I will lose her completely.
I haven’t cried a whole lot, but the ache is there. Somehow heaven and earth know she came into the world early this morning three years ago. That void is there everyday but it is magnified on days like today.
That doesn’t make me sad. It eases that fear of forgetting her.
You want to know something sweet? All week long little things have been happening that just had Jenna written all over them. I have pictures, that I am just too tired to pull out tonight, but they were truly heaven-sent.
Heaven is real, and much much closer than it feels.
I am afraid of embracing life after losing her, even though I strongly believe in not wasting a day, moment or time. This is my challenge, being poured out — how to embrace life, and carry grief at the same time.
An idea that only sparked a couple of months ago, which I am completely honored to share on her 3rd birthday in Heaven today.
Join me, won’t you?