Breaking Away and other things

If you asked me about breaking away from my normal routine, and how that’s going I’d be tempted to flat out lie. But since I’m no good at lying, I’d tell you it’s a lot harder than it looks. It’s something I have to just do.

If you asked me about this blog, I’d tell you that I’m wiped out and rethinking everything. I want to declutter, redesign and possible (sadly) remove sponsors. Not because I don’t want to support them any way I can, it’s just a lot to handle at the moment. I’m thinking about using PassionFruit, or maybe nothing at all. I guess I just want my blog, life to be… simpler. Nothing’s decided yet though. Especially that part about the redesign (I still have a stack of business cards with this header design on them, so that’d be a big ugly move in itself ;).

If you asked me what I’m reading I’d tell you not much except this book by C.S. Lewis, called The Problem of Pain. What caught me was the title, but also the back of the book, “If God is both omnipotent and good, how can we explain the pain and suffering that people experience daily?”

Hmm. We’ve all wondered that a time or two. Or maybe I’m just that carnal.

If you asked me about my son, I’d tell you that something about the clock turning past his second year of life has completely thrown his (perrrfect) sleep schedule out. Is this normal??? Please just lie and tell me it is. It will make me feel better.

If you asked me about his eating, I’d tell you it’s getting better. That’s one for me, right? :)

If you asked me about this fog my brain seems to be in when it comes to writing, I’d tell you I feel inadequate on so many levels, heading this huge project of Still Standing Magazine. My own writing took a backseat for a few days while the launch party was going on, and I feel like I have to find my voice again.

If you asked me about our house, I’d tell you we rearranged the living room and it feels more like home than ever. Imagine? That’s all it took… moving a few couches around. We had a house right after we lost Jenna and that was the first place I ever felt truly at home (after marriage). A part of my heart never wanted to leave, but that just wasn’t the right thing for us to do at the time.

If you asked me about Mother’s Day, I’d tell you about the flowers Bubby brought me in the middle of his playtime in the dirt and rocks Saturday afternoon. His sweaty palm was squeezing something and all I could understand was “Fyyyy!” as he reached out his fist to me (normally this means butterfly).

I hesitated and let the things (?) in his hand fall to the ground. I saw the flowers, and my heart melted and I felt a little bad.

“Oh… flowers…” I secretly hoped he’d never stop being this sweet. A sigh of relief came over me too, that it wasn’t in fact a smushed up butterfly he was holding…

If you asked me about my husband, I’d tell you that watching him grow spiritually has encouraged me a lot lately.

If you asked me about grief, I’d tell you that I’m so tired of the sadness! Pretty much sick of it. I’ve been thinking a lot about pain, more about how frustrating it is, and that it never, ever changes. But then the other day, I was reminded that pain is in fact a gift. Just like the pain of a flesh wound, the pain of the a heart wound is an indicator that something isn’t right… complete… whole… fixed… healed.

Pain makes grief almost unbearable, but it also makes her life… real.

I’ve decided that my broken heart is a gift. At least for today.

15 thoughts on “Breaking Away and other things

  1. I think making things more simple is a very wise thing to do my friend. I am in the middle of doing this myself :) I have wrote a very similar blog post to you last night. We should hang out sometime and talk about how we can fix all the things we have gotten ourselves into 😉 Your bubby… how gorgeous xxx Love you friend xxx Go an simplify x

    1. Thank you Ms Pancake Queen. So crazy we both feel the same way at the moment. I hope you find ways to simplify your world too. We sure have made quite the mess 😉

      Love you!!!

  2. I love that book by C.S. Lewis! Well you are doing a great Job as always and your writers block sure is making some pretty posts :) Well I am saying a prayer that the heaviness in your heart is lifted and you have clear direction on your blog!

  3. Fran. Again another post that feels like it came out of my brain. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the book as both the title and the back would have caught my attention too. And I’ll share that Benji’s sleep patterns took a total change back at time change and we are still messing around with it. We used to be able to lay him down and say goodnight and walk out the door at 7:30pm and now we are going back and forth until after 9pm almost every night. Things are so inconsistent. Please remember how many wonderful things you are doing for other mommies like us out in the world and please know how much we appreciate it. And it’s your creative outlet, so you need to do what is right for you and what you wanna do. And we’ll take it any way you offer it up.

    1. Thank you Kim. I would love to share anything about the book you might have questions on, so far I am really enjoying it.

      And thank you for reassuring me that this crazy sleep thing they do is completely normal. So strange how it just changes so suddenly. 😉


  4. Your writing is wonderful, Fran, writer’s block and all! I think you have poured so much into SS Mag and Jenna’s days and Bubby’s birthday, no wonder you might be feeling at a loss for words! I think simplifying can really help, everything you are doing is amazing, but you need to do what feels best for you. As far as breaking away, just keep doing it little by little:), I am trying to do some of that as well, springtime gets me in this mode all the more since losing Eliana. You walk your path so gracefully, and God will help make beautiful things out of whatever you choose to do! Hugs!!

    1. Thank you Jess. When you listed everything things started to make sense. I didn’t really realize how much has happened just in the past two weeks. A lot of emotion for sure. Thank you for your constant encouragement.

      Lots of love to you sweet friend xoxo

  5. The book your reading sounds interesting. I haven’t had your loss yet I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling. I have wanted to simplify my life for years now. When I see all that you do and have been doing for several years now it always amazes me. It’s okay to slow down, take time to smell the roses. Your generosity is huge.

  6. So crazy…my wee one brought me flowers for the first time on Sunday. I am not sure he knew exactly what he was doing at 15 months, but he sure was determined to keep picking them and bringing them to me…my heart was hurting at different moments that day missing my sweet girl! I almost cried. There is something about the way my boys give me flowers at different stages of their lives.

    Fran, you are working so hard on the magazine…I would wait until things settle a bit. It is wonderful, btw!!! So nice to see familiar faces and such excellent writing happening!!! Breathe and balance….

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