Something about spring makes me feel close to her. Exactly three years ago (okay, give or take a few days) Pete and I climbed into our black Mazda M3. We chose that car over the Toyota Scion (sweeeeet car) almost a year prior because we wanted a baby and the whole two door+car seat thing just didn’t seem easy at all. Or practical.

Anyway where was I? Oh yea, the black car. We drove almost an hour drive to meet his mom and my mom at the Willowbrook Hospital.

Today was the day.

Goodness, we both wanted a girl so bad. The night before Pete said he’d dreamt it was a girl.

The ultrasound we were all there for would tell us he was right. But it also ended this blissful pregnancy in no time at all.

Three years. How does one get here so quickly?

I can remember that day like yesterday. I want that innocence, that care-free attitude back.

It’s all getting much, much closer all so fast.

I feel the strings in my heart starting to tighten up and tears come much more easily than they did just a few weeks ago.

Yesterday Pete was mentioning how sad he was for Bubby that he doesn’t have a constant playmate. Nobody saw it but it made me cry. It shouldn’t be like this.

On a happier note, the spring is bringing me little bits of happiness here and there. Her redbud tree had some pink on it yesterday, and the flowers that were in her garden are starting to blossom.

Three years hardly changes a thing. But the beauty of this time of year helps me smile just a little bit more.

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13 thoughts on “Close

  1. I was just thinking along similar lines last night. I remembered a day not very long before Eve died when I showed off our newly-obtained-and-put-together crib to our friends, and our mountains of little girl baby things. I was so innocent, so unaware of what could happen. I never thought that babies could die after you reach the second trimester. :(

  2. I was just thinking similar things today. About how happy I was the day we found out Adelyn was girl, but how sad thinking about that day makes me now because she never came home with us.

  3. When I think back to spring I remembering being so frantic about getting Sam’s room painted. Never once thinking I would close the door behind me and not open it again until I had to pick out clothes to bury him in. It makes me so mad that I took his time with me for granted. I feel I was so stupid to think I would be holding a 10 month old right now. I want so desperately to have those days back. The days when he was alive.

  4. Spring for me is when all the hope for Marcellus really started. This time last year was the first cycle we decided to try. Even though we didn’t get pregnant that first cycle (it was the following month) it’s when we first really started thinking about what it would be like to be parents. The hopes and the dreams started then. We were so unaware that 7 months later it would all be taken away from us so cruelly. *hugs* to everyone.

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you can find comfort in her blooming tree and garden. You are in my thoughts and prayers!

  6. On my refrigerator, I have kept a small little note with the words written on them “Every April God rewrites the book of Genesis.” ~ One of my favorite quotes from Austin O’Malley. Isn’t that beautiful? I love those words… I love the rebirth that God gives to us during the spring… the flowers and the butterflies! Could there be anything more inspiring and comforting to us as we know that God is the creator of us and all of the beautiful things in life that surround us? After coming in from next door (my sister’s house) I walked into my bedroom and opened my curtain to see a beautiful yellow butterfly on the freshly bloomed pink azalea in my back yard! I read this post last night, so I knew I wanted to come over and share some love to all of you! Love & hugs!

  7. As we approach the first anniversary of our fourth loss, the only thing that makes me think it will be bearable is the reblooming of the flowers that some friends sent us. No, it shouldn’t be like this, and yet it is. Thank you for sharing, and reminding me of the warmth that will come from brightness of those flowers.

  8. I guess this is what spring if for; to remind us that there is hope in every trial and a new beginning in every end.

  9. Sending you lots of hugs Fran. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like. Just know that she is with our Father and one day soon, you will get to hold your baby girl once again.

  10. this is so beautiful. i know just what you mean. but the beauty around us…it helps me feel my girls closer. and the beauty we think we see here on earth..doesn’t even touch the beauty they see in heaven. one day we will all be there. together :) love you friend!

  11. I am so glad I needed help with my blog… otherwise I may have never met you or started reading your blog. Your posts bring me to tears all the time. I feel like you are able to share how I feel, but just can’t seem to get out.


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