I have always had a problem with fear. Real, gripping, palm-sweating fear. As a child I would literally cry HYSTERICALLY (oh my word, I don’t know how my parents put up with this) every single time a thunderstorm swept through our neighborhood. I should have been old enough to understand that not every thunderstorm would end up in a home-consuming flood, but the news clips were enough to convince me that every thunderstorm was BAD news.

I used to be afraid of being hurt, physically hurt by a stranger. Or being kidnapped. Again, thank you channels 2, 11 and 13 for filling my nine year old self with fears I had no business entertaining.

I carried this pattern (just now realizing it was a pattern) through middle school and high school. In middle school I could have auditioned for Ugly Betty (minus the glasses) and probably got the role. I was an oddball, a total cast out with unmanageable, frizzy, curly hair (that I prayed almost everyday would magically turn straight overnight) and braces. Desperately wanting to fit in. I came from a homeschool background and was completely out of touch with kids my own age, and how to communicate. I should add that I look back NOW and I’m actually thankful for this. My mom did an outstanding job homeschooling me and my brother. Her sacrifice kept me from some harmful things and people for a while.

I was constantly afraid of humiliation – over my frizzy, brown hair or my clearly out of date wardrobe. I remember being that awkward preteen and I wish I could visit her and slap her a bit. Tell her that the opinions of her peers wouldn’t be worth 2 cents in 10 years. And that their opinions of her would never complete her.

Their approval of me/ my hair/ my clothes/ my cool factor would never fill me the way I thought it could.

Only Christ.

Today something happened and I was so so angry at myself. Once again I laid my self-worth, the measure of who I was in someone else’s hands – without even REALIZING it. Can I tell you it didn’t take long for me to be completely let down? Another person can hardly bear that responsibility – at the end of the day we are still human.

I was angry at myself for falling apart so easily, and not feeling complete regardless of what the world thought about me. It is Christ that makes me who I am. Nothing else, no one else.

Only Him.

When that really sinks in – deep into my heart – a strength begins to build up because there is no wavering with Christ. He is the same today, yesterday and always.

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20 thoughts on “Complete

  1. I didn’t know Christ when I was a child. My family was deeply involved with our church but we didn’t talk about Him at home, how to really get to know Him. Even if I knew Him then like I do now I believe the bullying would have still hurt me. Even as we age we can still get caught off guard but I am thankful that you have the tools to move past it.

  2. I hear you….I still carried some of it around and it became heightened with my loss. My doctor recognized that I needed some help, and I am so glad he reached out and showed me how intense it became the last two years.
    Thinking of you….I hope HE helps you through this time!

  3. Beautiful words. And I was also that girl in high school with the frizzy brown hair – braces – and awkward personality in high school. I actually JUST wrote very similar words for one of my Radiate lessons yesterday and my journey to overcoming my own fears and insecurities. Peace to you today Fran. xo.

  4. This was such a beautiful post :) I too have constant fears that nag at me, but with God those fears in a sense subside. God is my strength :) You are amazing, and I absolutely love reading all your posts, so inspiring and genuine.

  5. oh yes only Him!! In Him alone! It is a beautiful thing when we put on His lenses!! I’ve gone around that self-image merry go round all tooo often! I love that He is so amazing to hop on (He chooses the white horse next to me) gets my eyes off the funny mirror in the center of the carousel & has me fix my eyes upon His, my Prince & there in His eyes I can see myself how He sees me!

  6. Yes. Only Christ.

    So, you “were completely out of touch with kids my own age, and how to communicate” when you were a teen, too? I was, and I wasn’t homeschooled. Mostly due to a not-great home life. I’m glad we have grown past this. So important. I’m glad that God takes care of us in ALL ways.

  7. Oh Fran. I was that girl . . . and still am sometimes. Only I had braces, glasses, and allowed my mom to take me to a (ready for this) school for hair design ~ where they proceeded to cut 14 inches from my hair and give me a perm. I ended up looking like my grandmother ~ only I was 13!!!! Talk about self esteem issues. But the good news is that self confidence can be such a gift, when it is born from such a difficult place. And God forever sees the beautiful princess he made each to be . . . braces and all.

    1. Oh goodness!!! 14 inches! I think I would cry! I like what you said about self confidence being a gift when it is born from such a difficult place. I never thought about it that way, but I believe that with all my heart.

  8. Oh man, I felt like I was reading my own story! Fear is a HUGE struggle for me. I used to sob hysterically at thunderstorms too, and I also had a severe fear of being kidnapped. Fear and anxiety are constant struggles for me to this day. Such a great reminder that ONLY Jesus can complete us and free us from fear and everything else. His thoughts are the only ones that matter.

  9. This reminds me of the song “I need you more” by Kim Walker-Smith, I had to tell you that. :) Thank you for your posts! They’re just awesome -Ellen

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