Healing or Something Like It

I think the questions have stopped. Maybe forever, maybe not. But right now they just don’t seem that important. All the Why’s and What if’s. I am not at total peace with her absence and her death, but I have peace without answers, if that makes any sense at all?

Driving today I thought about my friend saying goodbye to her newborn son any day now.

Flashes of those moments from the first days have been haunting my memory for the past few weeks. And I think it has something to do with her birthday rapidly approaching.

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; – 2 Corinthians 10:5

And then to hear about another loss. Another baby wanted but gone. It just makes me wonder how I ever survived.

It was a pain that I never expected to survive but I did somehow. By the pure mercy and grace of God.

The pain turned into this companion in my life we call grief. I once thought of grief as a process, but I know it more today as an act of love. A part of life that is constantly changing but always present. Always.

Since this life cannot give me my daughter back, all I really want is true healing.

The definition of healing however has been a hard one to realize.

For example, I used to believe true healing would be in the moment that I could smile again and mean it. When it happened I realized healing was not held in a truly happy moment.

Of course I have moments where I believe I have found true healing, but then a dream {or nightmare rather} dissipates the healing I had believed to be present in my heart and life. Or a memory, a vision of what could have been, or a trigger.

They all question my definition of healing.

Perhaps this grief journey is about more than just healing, it’s about living it each day with the faith that I can find it and dance anyway on the days I feel completely lost.

And at the end of the day, in spite of it all… I have survived.


7 thoughts on “Healing or Something Like It

  1. this is beautiful… I love the picture too. I have 4 scars on my belly where I had surgery (right over top my womb) and I tell John that they’re a reminder of the pain, heartache, grief, loss… and survival. Thank you for sharing this. I am praying for your friend!

  2. I love this Fran! We are surviving….somehow. I am keeping your friend in my prayers….I pray that God sends her peace and strength for the journey ahead…..

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